"Complaint Department"
These aren't actually complaints, but I like the title.
More accurately, they are a collection of problems
carefully thought out and presented for your convenience.
As you may know,
Orlando is the lightning center of the known universe.
On Orlando TV they tell you to go into an "interior" room
and wait out the storm.
In a trailer, that would be the refrigerator.
Now From The News:
Catnip has been found to work better than Off
for keeping away mosquitoes
Problem:
Now you'll have to buy cat repellent.
From a moral standpoint:
Catnip is a mood altering substance,
and will probably become illegal.
There will be catnip pushers on our streets.
We don't want our pets to be too happy.
Now to the deep stuff.
To market a product you must first create a need.
Advertising is everywhere.
Makers of cars, computers,
cameras, DVD players, and perfume, are injecting us with ENVY.
On TV everybody has this stuff, and we don't,
so we buy it on credit, not to feel inferior.
Pharmaceutical companies draw our attention to pains
we may not have noticed.
They appeal to the hypochondriac in us.
We NEED their drugs.
Insurance companies offer us free FEAR.
If I'm dumb enough to die without their insurance,
THEN what do I do?
Helmet makers offer us PROTECTION
from falling off our scooters.
A three-inch fall at 2 mph. is nothing to sneeze at!
Religions hand out free GUILT.
The second a baby is born it is guilty of something.
Being human is a punishable offense.
There's only one place for that guilty baby to get off the hook:
Church.
Doctors give us MEDICINE.
Then we need something for the side effects.
I have one prescription
that actually lists this as a possible side effect:
"DEATH".
If the medications do their job, we may need an operation,
Possibly: EXPLORATORY.
That's like going to AAMCO for a free transmission inspection.
OK. Here are some of the side effects of creating consumer needs.
Hank Schmank has just spent eight or more hours
working at a job he has no interest in, or even hates.
Having no interest, he treats his boss's customers with indifference.
They get frustrated.
Hank is backed up in traffic again this evening.
His superiors have treated him like an inferior all day.
He's working more than one job to pay for the hot tub.
He's afraid of losing his "benefits" if they downsize him.
NOW HE WANTS TO TAKE IT OUT ON SOMEBODY ELSE!
Result: ROAD RAGE.
He stops at Handy Way for a 12 pack.
It's the only stress relief that's still legal,
except catnip.
And all those macho guys jumping around, grinning,
and guzzling beer on the TV ads look like they're having fun.
Counting drive time, and the long work day,
he owns about a couple of hours of his own daily life.
Might as well go for the gold.
Oh, yeah. Back at the Handy Way,
he picked up a few LOTTERY TICKETS.
The government is selling him HOPE.
If humans lived long enough,
Hank might win the lottery, or get struck by lightning.
The odds are about the same.
There are some morals to all this:
Step back.
Those people on TV are actors, and will be out of work next week.
You may be healthier than you think.
Go to church for the joy, not the fear.
You may not be in immediate danger.
You may not be guilty.
As Ol' Gator Charlie says:
"I'm not wet.
I'm not cold.
I'm not hungry.
These must be the Good Times."
Copyright © August 31, 2001 by Jack Blanchard. All rights reserved.
