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"Blanchard's History Of Music"

There was a Spike Jones record where the singer kept singing the same line over and over,
until somebody yelled at her: "TURN THE PAGE, YA FATHEAD!". 
This is why music must change: The same thing over and over will drive you nuts. 

A tree fell in a prehistoric forest and a caveman heard it. 
He tried to make the sound again, but couldn't push down another tree, 
so, as the most advanced species on earth, 
he got the idea of hitting a hollow log with a stick. 
The cave girls thought he was cool. 
He tried wearing stone sunglasses, but he bumped into stuff. 
He got a pretty good beat going, and the critics called it Log Music. 
They almost called it Hit Music, but that was to come later. 

Another cave guy said: "Hey, Logman. Mind if I sit in?", 
and began clicking two stones together. 
The sparks threatened to set his loincloth on fire, 
but it sounded good... 
sort of Miami Sound Machine. 
It was an improvement. Music had progressed. 
But there was a grumbling among certain members of the tribe, who said: 
"That's not true Log Music! That's some kind of Rock stuff!" 

A teenager started squeezing a frog, throwing the whole thing off. 
This was not progress. All change is not progress. 
Frog Music was going to corrupt the kids. 
They played it just to annoy the adults... and the frogs. 

Jumping ahead a few hundred centuries, 
we find a Roman playing a stringed instrument. 
He calls it a "Loot", because he stole it from a Greek. 
History mistakenly refers to it as a "Lute". 
Another instrument of the time was the "Liar", 
because the musician wouldn't say where he got it. 
It has come down to us as the "Lyre". 
You can't find research like mine just anywhere. 

Then a guy invented the "Recorder". 
Afterward, he realized that they did not have electricity, so he blew through it. 
He called it a "Fluke", later called a "Flute". 
After that came the violin family, the harp, some wind instruments, 
and a Pianoforte, which they could hide in in case of attack. 
Classical music was born! 
Of course, they didn't know it was classical. 
They thought it was pretty hip! 

After several eons of chamber music, operas, and so on, 
came Johann Strauss, The Waltz King. People loved his music. 
They gave it a ten, because you could dance to it. 
It was the hit music of the day. 

Right on up through Stephen Foster, Barber Shop Quartets, 
ukeleles, Al Jolson, Ragtime, Swing, and so on, 
some loved it, and some liked what was before. 

You know I'm working up to a major rant about Country Music, don't you? 
Well, I rant not. 
I'd only like to say that just because music changes, 
doesn't mean it gets better. 
Rap is not better than Mozart. 
The value of the music depends upon the talent and motives of the people making it. 
If it's just stale and hack written, needing fireworks to sell it, 
and the main motive is profit, it is probably crap. 
We know what we are referring to, don't we? (Wink, wink.) 
The soulless drone they are now passing off as Mainstream Country. 

Country, or any other music should change a little once in a while, 
to keep our eyes from crossing out of boredom. 
But, it should change naturally and gently, as is nature's way. 
Good changes must come from talented, sincere people, 
who get an interesting idea, and have the guts to stick it in there. 

The good old music is still there for those who want to hear it. 
I know I do. It's just nice to have a choice. 
I'm for keeping all the good things about Country music intact, 
but adding a new idea here and there. 
Exercising our music muscles, to keep them from getting stiff.

Copyright  May 11, 2001 by Jack Blanchard. All rights reserved.


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